A Layperson's Guide on How to Talk, or, a Polemic Against the Rhetoric of the List Article and the Notion of Prescriptivism

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-ball/7-things-you-totes-need-to-stop-saying-if-youre-over-30_b_4375298.html

OK, hello, welcome, etc. I decided to inaugurate my blog by writing about something I think is fairly important: prescriptivism. What is prescriptivism? That is essentially the idea that is most useful to talk about how things should be done when you describe or evaluate them, rather than discussing how people actually do these things. In the context of linguistics, prescriptivism refers to us saying that people should say "To whom are you speaking?" instead of "Who are you talking to?" or "I am well, thank you," instead of "I'm doin' pretty good, how 'bout you?" The idea is that we prescribe the way that people should talk and write and use language, following preordained rules of grammar, structure, syntax, and idiomatic usage, and that people who deviate from those rules are doing it wrong. The opposite of prescriptive linguistics is descriptive linguistics, which is where we study the way that people actually use language, and describe what they do when we write and theorize about grammar and other usage.

What does this Huffington Post article have to do with that? This article is mildly irritating to me in that it is essentially a guide to prescriptive linguistics in the guise of humor and/or useful advice, courtesy of HuffPost. And it's a list! Why don't we get articles on the internet anymore? Why is everything constructed as a goddamned list? Are writers so terrible these days that they simply enumerate ideas instead of creating paragraphs with main ideas and transitions between them? Do we, in general, read so poorly that we can't follow articles anymore, and just need soundbites, snippets, lists, sentence fragments, and blips of information that remains unsupported and unstructured as real arguments? Or are these writers just lazy, or assuming that readers are lazy? I don't know how anyone reading these articles who doesn't already know how to read critically will ever learn how to do so, if this is how we expect ideas to be presented now. I am so against this. It's lazy expression, leads to lazy argumentation, and therefore, it's bad rhetoric. I cannot tolerate bad rhetoric much longer, or I shall become a prescriptivist. The only way I can handle this is to write satirical articles on a blog of my own.

Worse yet, it seems that lazy rhetoric is often accompanied by simply lazy ideas. Received ideas about language as a topic for a humorous editorial on HuffPost? Man, did someone get paid to write this piece??? To think of how many useless, unpaid words I write every day, when I could be making my living by just repeating other ideas over and over, but in a snarky tone. Here's what this boils down to: this article says slang isn't for real adults. Woah, because no one has EVER said that before and it's a total revelation. Additionally, what a silly idea in the first place! Wow, did you know that the moment you turn 30, you shouldn't talk the way that everyone else does, because it's undignified? Yeah, it's true! When you taste a really good recipe, better to cut your tongue out than let "This lasagna is amazeballs!" slip through your mouth. What is wrong with you? What aren't you behaving as you are supposed to? You should say, "This cheese sauce is unctuous, and the spices used are subtle. I feel that the vegetables are sauteed to perfection." You should of course, wait until you are done chewing, and not feel the need to say "mmmm!" as you chew. Just nod politely as you dab your mouth with a silk napkin. You host is surely awaiting your reply with polite, restrained enthusiasm attendant to your mutual position as people above the age of 29 spending social time in each other's company. Then you can drink some very expensive liquor and listen to inoffensive music and be very normative together. Everyone knows that the normal way that you talk is shameful and should never be done around other people.

In response to this exceedingly petty and finger-wagging list, I have created my own list of Approved Alternatives for Modern Slang that I would like to propose to you now, because I can be petty too, but I like to think that I'm funnier when I do it.

1. Instead of "totes," have you considered saying "unquestionably?" Ex: -- "Hey Audrey, I'm unquestionably ready to go!" -- "Are you excited?" -- "Unquestionably!"

2. How about instead of saying "I know, right?" you say "ita vero," or "sic," which is basically that, but in Latin, so it sounds a lot cooler and makes a fairly mindless, but friendly utterance ("I understood what you just said?! Right???") sound marginally more clever? It also has the advantage of not being a question stuck after a statement that you UNQUESTIONABLY understood, which can, admittedly, be a bit confusing as a concept. You could also say "unquestionably" for that one, and I'd still approve. "Uh-huh" or "yup" work too.

3. I propose that instead of the so-of-the-moment (and admittedly very dumb-sounding) word "amazeballs," we bring back other words and expressions that were once in that role in our vernacular, but now sound foolishly outdated, such as "the cat's pajamas," "spiffy," "neat-o," "bitchin," or the lately unsung, but still very good and TIMELESS, "very good." Remember, just because people say it now doesn't mean that they will always say it, so why should you even bother to talk the way other people talk now? Adults don't do that! Either pretend that you have no idea how people talk now, or just avoid slang whenever you possibly can.

4. Instead of "cray-cray," which, to me, actually sounds like saying the French word for "chalk," but with echolalia, I recommend you give my approved expression for the same concept a whirl. That expression is "someone I do not wish to spend any time with because they are grating and in poor touch with reality as others understand it." If you must use slang, I also like "bonkers." "Bonkers" has the slight advantage of sounding maddening and slightly deranged (it's almost an onomatopoeia, right?), and will really imbue your sentence with the essence of poor mental health. Ex: "Boy, people who enjoy list articles on the internet are just bonkers!" Be sure to strongly emphasize "BONK" in "bonkers" for maximum effect.

5. Here is one that I dislike, not because it's slang, but because it seems to be a thing that people with privilege have co-opted from some of the most downtrodden people in out society: poor people in gangs and in prison. Ha ha! It's so funny that I, a respectable white lady, am saying "I will cut a bitch!" when all of my gluten-free scones are gone at the coffee shop where I just paid $6 for a latte! You know, since everyone knows that I'd never ever do that, because I am not like that. Wow! They never saw that coming, huh? NO. IT'S NOT FUNNY. YOU ARE UNFUNNY WHEN YOU DO THIS. 

So, Instead of, "I will cut you," which seems mostly to be used by privileged white people demonstrating a very problematic (CAUTION: SOCIAL THEORY BUZZWORDS AHOY) attitude toward people living in marginalized sectors of our society afflicted by systematic discrimination, socially enforced structures of racism, classism, assorted other power imbalances, and other appalling things, as well as a corrupt penal system that punishes and deprives already oppressed people further, thus pushing them toward recidivism rather than rehabilitating them, I would avoid all of that crap and just intone very loudly, "IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN." This will probably actually put the situation in your favor when you are stressed out in the check-out line at Whole Foods or when there are no more organic cotton yoga pants in a size xxs (yes, I intentionally used lowercase letters to write that size, since writing the smallest size possible in all caps seemed incongruous), because you will truly frighten people. Good! You scare me anyway. Your lack of self-awareness when it comes to your privilege horrifies me. It seems only fitting that you use an expression that shows your scary mentality even more clearly. It kind of troubles me that HuffPost feels that its overwhelmingly privileged audience are the people who need to be told not to say this, though, since they are exactly the people who are being most terrible when they say it.

Also, if you say "I will cut you/a bitch," for basically any serious reason (e.g., you really plan on cutting someone), you are someone I do not wish to spend any time with because you are grating and in poor touch with reality as others understand it.

6. Moving on, for "adorbs," might I recommend "mmmph" as you stuff a sock in your mouth to prevent yourself from talking unless you have something important and meaningful to say? Everyone knows that verbal filler is just there to make you and others comfortable, so why on earth would you cater to their needs or your own? Language isn't a social activity! It's purely a series of signifiers for important concepts, right? I will offer you a working example of how you may stifle your social instinct for language with a sock. 

Example: Your friend shows you a picture of a cat in a basket on the internet and says, "What do you think of this attractive photograph of a cat?" 

You: "Mmmph!" (This is the sound you make as you shove a nice, clean athletic sock into your mouth so you will not react to your friend's solicitation of social contact. You can also do it when you see such a picture yourself and are considering sharing it with others and saying that it is "adorbs.")

Honestly, your friend is trying to bait you by provoking what they think is a predictable reaction. You will find that your friend respects you more for not being like some sort of emotional marionette whose reactions they can manipulate. It is best to keep such tricksters guessing whenever possible, and only to look at cute animal pictures when you can exclaim "HOLY SHIT THAT CAT RULES! ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!" at home, alone, while drinking vegan egg nog out of the carton, as I do (bonus points for wearing pajama pants and an ancient Napalm Death t-shirt as you do this). 

Remember: your reactions are shameful because they are not approved by linguists! Only at home, alone, doing other shameful activities, should you talk the way that you wish to talk or express ideas that are not completely important ones. I mean, why should anyone care about how anyone feels when talking? Oh yeah, wait. Because we're humans? And we are social creatures? And we all have to live together? Yes, exactly. Those are exactly the reasons why you can make friendly contact with people by commenting on things being cute with whatever words you wish, as long as you are being respectful and kind to others. God, why do I even have to say this?

7. Finally, if you say "feels" in lieu of "feelings," and make it an occasion worth remarking on every time it happens because it is so rare, the fact that you have unnecessarily lopped off the second half of the word does not seem to be the only difficulty you are having with expressing yourself. I would recommend saying instead, "I am now putting a dollar into my therapy fund," if you are like, my goodness, I have an emotional response to this music, this event, or any other stimulus? What in blue blazes are these things I am feeling? What are they called again? Let's see, I FEEL them, so I will name these new things FEELS. If this is your problem, you are likely very, very repressed, and this has probably made some other troubles for you in your life. You have the choice of seeing a therapist who can help you feel things on a more regular basis and lead a happier life, or, you know, clamping down on those feelings some more and avoiding things that provoke them, so no one mocks you in an article on HuffPost for how you express your feelings. THOSE JERKS! You can say whatever you want to talk about your feelings, even though when you say "feels," I wonder what happened to the rest of the word. That is me, and I am not you, and your feelings are yours to express as you please.

Thus concludes Thea's Even More Petty List of Words to Say Instead of These Here Words on That List on Huffington Post (Content Suitable for English-Speaking Adults of All Ages). I hope this has served as a caution to you: express yourself only in the ways that are acceptable, or dammit, just shut the hell up, because grownups are talking.

No, but really, the next time you know anyone who is saying something like, "Boy, I just hate it when grown-ups say 'totes,'" now you not only have a rejoinder, but you can also do me a favor and link them to my blog to boost readership. OK, really, seriously now, I think the idea of telling people not to use slang because it sounds silly is not only pretty tired, since it has been happening ever since there has been slang, but useless and priggish. I don't especially like the way most of these words sound, but then again, I'm not in my 20's anymore. As a lady in her 30's, I have taken note that youth culture no longer is for me, and shaping the cultural Zeitgeist kind of isn't what I get to do much these days. 

I would not tell people older than 29 to stop appropriating youth culture, because not only will that not stop them, but damn, how horrible to imagine that life after 30 is nothing but staid dinner parties and adult contemporary smooth jazz concerts and book clubs and regional team sports! I'd rather not, thanks, even though every BuzzFeed list about being in your 30's seems to tell me that this is the general consensus on what my life will be like from here on out. How can I begrudge my fellows, who are going to spend New Year's Eve at a sober party playing board games, go to bed at one a.m., jog all day on the 1st because they are training for a half-marathon, then go back to work at the office on the 2nd, the harmless, frivolous pleasure of linguistic access to a more youthful, light-hearted, joyful life? 

Yeah, sure, I have a lot of work to do too. I can be serious about important things. I love my work, too, and I certainly don't get down on the weekends like I did 15 years ago. Thank god! I didn't like any of that much anyway! I like my life now! Do you know why? Because I have a career I love, but I also am who I want to be. I talk, dress, and express myself as I please. I can be a good educator and a good scholar, and go to the gym, and eat vegan, and keep in touch with my family... and I can also get tattoos, and listen to metal and punk, and use slang, and laugh, and go to horror movies and loud concerts, and be silly with my friends. It keeps me happy. I think the more people can feel comfortable being themselves, the happier they will be. If out-of-touch soccer moms want to say, "I know, right?!"... well, who cares if I don't like the way that sounds? I'm not a universal arbiter of everything that is good and pleasant. If it makes them happy, let them say it.

In short: let us not worry about lists on the internet that tell us how to act, think, speak, and be. Never take advice from a list; lists are the lazy person's articles, and are full of lazy ideas for lazy people. Do not let your mind become lazy. Keep it alive by feeding it and caring for it. Let us talk in ways that please us, for keeping your mind happy and creating joyful feel(ing)s is very important to humans of every age as we struggle against a world seemingly intent on making happiness yet another privilege accessible only to the elite. Happiness is a useful word for all of us.